5 min read · Aug 31, 2023
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Disclaimer: This article is satire. Maybe.
Want to know the latest craze among those super-rich “1%” in our society?
Doomsday bunkers.
Yep. Doomsday prepping seems to be all the rage these days with a certain contingent of the population. In the wake of recent global events, such as the COVID-19 pandemic and the war in Ukraine, they are taking steps to prepare for worst-case societal collapse scenarios. They want to be prepared for “The Event,” which is what the über-wealthy call whatever disaster it might be that takes down all of society.
Plenty of companies offer products like survival kits, military gear, two-year supplies of food, water purification tablets, and so forth. But if you’re truly serious about your prepping, you need to look into getting yourself a bunker.
You might be wondering: “Why would I need a doomsday bunker?” The answer is simple: zombies, nuclear war, alien invasions, and of course, the ever-looming threat of a giant asteroid wiping out all life on Earth. But fear not, because there are a few companies out there ready to take your hard-earned money and provide you with a hole in the ground to call home when Armageddon does hit.
Obviously, buying a doomsday bunker is a big decision. But if you are serious about protecting yourself and your family from a disaster, it is a decision that is worth considering. Read on for a handy guide on companies that sell bunkers and the important things to keep in mind when investing in one.
Cost
Let’s start with the numbers. The cost of a doomsday bunker can vary depending on the size, features, and location of the bunker. A small, personal shelter can cost as little as $20,000, while a large, community bunker, or a luxury one, can cost millions of dollars.
Location
The location of a doomsday bunker also figures into the cost. If you’re going to be putting your bunker in your backyard, you’ll have easy access and it will be substantially cheaper than finding and investing in some remote location to place it. But, the super-rich preppers apparently recommend building one in New Zealand.
Features
The features included in a doomsday bunker can vary greatly. Some bunkers are equipped with basic necessities, such as a sleeping area and a food supply. But what if you want to trick out yours? if you’ve already got the money to blow, why not get it custom-designed with luxuries like a gym, spa, or cinema?
Security and Protection
Evaluate the security measures and protection capabilities of the bunker. Consider factors such as structural strength, ventilation systems, filtration systems, and emergency exits. Can it keep a zombie horde out?
Reputation and Warranty
Do thorough research on the manufacturer or company selling the doomsday bunker. It is important to consider the warranty included with the bunker. What if it doesn’t end up protecting you from the disasters it said it would? Do you get your money back? Look for reviews or testimonials from customers who have survived a calamity in one of these bunkers.
Resale Value
You might be thinking, “This all sounds great, but can I make money off my doomsday bunker?” The answer is “Yes!” The resale market for doomsday bunkers is surely set to skyrocket. Imagine flipping your bunker for a hefty profit as the zombie hordes close in. Or perhaps strike it rich by renting out your cozy underground abode on Airbnb for those seeking a unique vacation experience. Just be sure to reset the door codes after each renter, you don’t want them showing back up when the time comes that you need the bunker for real.
These are a few of the most important things to consider. Other factors include long-term sustainability (Are you off the grid? What happens when the power and water go out for good?) and legal considerations (do you need a permit to dig up your backyard and bury a bunker there?). Also: PLUMBING.
Here are the biggest and best-known names in the doomsday bunker business:
Atlas Survival Shelters
Based in Texas, Atlas Survival Shelters bills itself as the world’s #1 bunker builder. They offer “a wide range of survival shelters” which they claim can protect you from all of the following: pandemic outbreak, civil unrest, malicious mobs (The Purge, anyone?), biological or nuclear fallout, or EMP attacks.
Starting price tag: only $20,000 for a modest precast bomb shelter.
“Go big or go home” price: several million dollars; a true “doomsday estate.” Comes with a gourmet kitchen to whip up those last cans of spam.
Vivos
Vivos is a company that owns and operates a network of underground bunker colonies. These communes are located in various parts of the world, including South Dakota and Indiana in the US. Membership starts at $35,000, and you have to apply — so start mastering a skill practical for the post-apocalyptic world now.
They also offer bespoke bunker complexes they can build on your property, which can accommodate up to 500 people. These luxury shelters can come with amenities like pools, theaters, and even hydroponic gardens to grow your post-apocalyptic kale. You can even have a personal retinue of doctors, trainers, housekeepers, and chefs on staff. It’s like combining a cruise ship with a subterranean military complex!
Their bunker options are priced as “affordably as possible,” and claim to protect you from nuclear war, terrorism, anarchy (The Purge, again?), EMP, solar flares, pole shift, comets, solar kill shot (what?), global mega-tsunami, planetary collisions, and super-volcano eruptions.
Planetary collision? Wow. That’s some bunker.
Rising S
Rising S Company claims to have “started the modular bunker market.” They are also based in Texas and offer a range of underground shelters that promise to keep you safe from everything from natural disasters, through the prophecies of Nostradamus, to the inevitable rise of the mole people.
Rising S Company’s bunkers can cost anywhere from $49,000 to a cool 9.6 million dollars. Their top model includes a pool, game room, sauna, bowling alley, gym, and gun range. Oh, there’s also a garage for your luxury vehicles.
This model is named “The Aristocrat.” Apropos.
So, there you have it. Investing in a doomsday bunker is clearly the way to go if you’re looking for a truly secure post-Event future. In a world where the only certainty is uncertainty, it’s always a good idea to put your money where your anxiety is.
But let’s face it: without being millionaires, you and I probably are not going to be able to afford one of these things. Billionaires like Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos can buy three without batting an eye. So, you might want to start stocking up on canned goods and bottled water instead. And maybe build a stockade around your house.
Or, Elon Musk is planning a colony on Mars.
